45 Funny & Humbling David Spade Quotes

David Spade is an American actor, comedian, and television personality who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live in the 1990s.

Spade has been featured in many films including ‘Police Academy 4’, ‘Tommy Boy’, ‘Black Sheep’, ‘Joe Dirt’, ‘Grown Ups’, ‘Grown Ups 2’, and ‘Father of the Year’. He was nominated for a Primetime Emmy Award and two Golden Globes for his role in ‘Just Shoot Me!’.

Here’s our collection of the best David Spade quotes:

45 Funny & Humbling David Spade Quotes

1. “I’ve had it where things didn’t go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.” – David Spade

2. “I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!” – David Spade

3. “My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can’t do that anymore.” – David Spade

4. “On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.” – David Spade

5. “Success? You can’t get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, ‘That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He’s horrible.” – David Spade

6. “I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.” – David Spade

7. “I’m always making fun of myself and my friends.” – David Spade

8. “Horrible date all through high school and college. Here’s an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!.” – David Spade

9. “There’s always something funny about men chasing women.” – David Spade

10th of 45 David Spade Quotes

10. “I’m a gentleman and I was always taught it’s rude, to talk about a woman’s age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.” – David Spade

11. “Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he’s good.” – David Spade

12. “I’m scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.” – David Spade

13. “To be famous and broke is hard.” – David Spade

14. “Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It’s the American way. There’s really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.” – David Spade

15. “I’m still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that’s fun.” – David Spade

16. “Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it’s not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.” – David Spade

17. “Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.” – David Spade

18. “My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.” – David Spade

19. “Success? You can’t get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, ‘That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He’s horrible.” – David Spade

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20. “I’ve got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.” – David Spade

21. “There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.” – David Spade

22. “It’s just easier to make fun and cut down. It’s kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you’re going to say, it can be cruel and funny.” – David Spade

23. “Single guys get a bad rap.” – David Spade

24. “No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it’s too weird to sleep in too late.” – David Spade

25. “No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it’s too weird to sleep in too late.” – David Spade

26. “In grade school I was smart, but I didn’t have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.” – David Spade

27. “You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that’s depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.” – David Spade

28. “I’ve been with a beautiful girl from time to time.” – David Spade

29. “Don’t make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they’re 5-years old! It’s really not the place or the time. You’re about 11 years early.” – David Spade

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30. “It’s hard to have a career.” – David Spade

31. “I never dated much in high school or college.” – David Spade

32. “It wasn’t a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It’s like calling me an American.” – David Spade

33. “There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there’s a million pitches.” – David Spade

34. “People come and go around you, but you’re never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.” – David Spade

35. “When I’m interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That’s all they want from me. I don’t want to tell my life story.” – David Spade

36. “Most of the shows I want to do I’m not smart enough to figure out how to watch.” – David Spade

37. “Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.” – David Spade

38. “It’s just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I’m sure I will, but I’m just trying to postpone it.” – David Spade

39. “When I started I’d fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.” – David Spade

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40. “To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.” – David Spade

41. “My career is just kind of crazy.” – David Spade

42. “I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.” – David Spade

43. “My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends..” – David Spade

44. “In grade school I was smart, but I didn’t have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.” – David Spade

45. “I have no detectable hairstyle.” – David Spade